Iron Wizard
by Moony Girl
Summary: Harry Potter meets Iron Chef (the cooking show)! I am honestly embarassed about posting this...but since I have meant to post it for so long (last updated in March!) I decided to just post it anyway. Contains bathroom humour (which I promise to never in


IRON WIZARD  
  
A/N: This is the absolute LAST cliche I'm going to post up (excluding the Dating Game series). I don't like cliches anymore. Oh yeah, if you are offended by bathroom humour, do not proceed. You have been warned. btw, you might not get some of it if you have never watched Iron Chef before. Lastly, I'm not homophobic.  
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(Malfoy walks out onto a podium, wearing a long, sequined, shiny, shapey, lacey dress made of pink silk on top of an equally lacey corset, girly shoes and white gloves with more sequins completes the outfit)  
  
Malfoy: If memory serves me right, I'm wearing my mother's dress...  
  
Director: You weren't supposed to say that!  
  
Malfoy: Oh, right...  
  
Director: And you have to be more dramatic!  
  
Malfoy: Right, okay...(takes a deep breath) If memory serves me right, (dramatic hand gesture which causes him to fall on his face) this was a really dumb idea for a show my mom suggested, but because I love my mom (several "aww's" are heard from the audience while Malfoy does something really dramatic to show how much he loves his mom, whatever that may be) I'm not going to say anything bad about it! Oh yeah, this linoleum I'm licking tastes like candy! Mmm...  
  
Director: Excellent! Now I won't have to pay for that floor cleaning service!   
  
Malfoy: Today, our battle will be between...er, I can't remember!  
  
Harry: Me!  
  
Malfoy: Right, me!  
  
Harry: No, ME!!! M-E!!!  
  
Malfoy: M.E. (snicker)...what kind of a name is that?  
  
Harry: (sigh)  
  
Malfoy: And, er, some ugly house elf that used to work in my house and make me hot cocoa so I wouldn't have nightmares...er, Mobby Dick (A/N: Yes, I know it's really Moby Dick!)  
  
Hermione: DOBBY! Honestly, people should be paying more respect to house elves! Why if...! (Crabbe and Goyle drag her off stage) ...Bobby, or whatever his name is, was your house elf, you should be...! Ew, use some deoderant there, Crabbe!  
  
(Hermione storms off to collect money for spew...er, S.P.E.W.)  
  
Malfoy: Whatever, so, uh, today's challenger is Dobby, and he'll be cooking against, er, M.E.  
  
Harry: Arg, my name's Harry! And you weren't supposed to say he'll be "challenging" me yet!  
  
Malfoy: Why?  
  
Harry: 'Cause it's more dramatic for me and the other Iron Wizards to enter on the rising platform that shakes violently when it's stop. Then Hobby, or whever his name is, pretends to pick one of us  
  
Malfoy: This is in the script?  
  
Harry: Duh! And my name's...  
  
Malfoy: Hey, it says in the script that I get to eat a yellow pepper! (grabs a pepper from nowhere, bites it, and chokes)  
  
Malfoy: I didn't (choke) mean (choke) to do (choke) that!  
  
Director: Choking was in the script...and I told you to buy yellow-pepper insurance! I told you soooooooo!  
  
Malfoy: (swallows) Er, uh, well now, Knobby will pick which Iron Wizard he gets to cook against!  
  
(Malfoy presses a large red button that says DANGER in screaming red letters below it)  
  
Harry: I don't like the sound of this...  
  
(Three rising platforms, er, rise. Harry's into middle, and the other two are Hermione and Ron. The platform shakes and they all fall off)  
  
Hermone: Ow!  
  
(The audience gets onto their feet to get a better look at their costumes: Ron is wearing paisely pink pyjamas, a maroon nighty cap with pom-poms, and is holding a large butcher knife. Hermione is sporting a hat that's five metres tall, and she's holding a tomato, which she throws at Malfoy. Harry is wearing, a, er birthday suit and a long tie with neon zebra stripes. Btw, did you notice that birthday suit has the same initials as Britney Spears, and B.S.?)  
  
Harry: I'm gonna kill Malfoy for making me wear the birthday suit costume! (Looks around) Uh oh! (Quickly throws on a flowery night gown and an extra long fish tie)  
  
Dobby: Harry Potter! (jumps up and down excitedly on the stove)  
  
Malfoy: Hehe, okay! Now, because I'm getting sick of acting over dramatic, the theme ingredient for today is...  
  
(Silence. Malfoy sneezes)  
  
Malfoy: (throws a tablecloth behind him) STUFF WE FOUND IN THE LAKE IN FRONT OF HOGWARTS!!!)  
On yet another rising platform is an assortment of, er, stuff: toilet flushings, potion ingredients, Moaning Myrtle's glasses, a Snape voodoo doll, etc. The platform comes to a violent halt and everything falls on the floor. A bucket of lake water spills onto Malfoy's, er, panties)  
  
Malfoy: (squeal) Ew! Uh...and now, Hairy Potty...  
  
Harry: I'm HARRY!!!  
  
Malfoy: I know you're hairy! ...and Mobby Dick!  
  
Dobby: I is not Mobby Dick! I is Dobby Mick! Er, I is just plain Dobby...  
  
Malfoy: Right...by the way, did you know that all this junk we got has a retail value of $1 000 000? Now, when I say go, you'll have 30 seconds to cook as many dishes as you can, and each must have some of the theme ingredient...GO!!!  
  
(Malfoy turns around, whacks a gong that happens to be behind him, and begins to vibrate violently)  
  
(Harry and Dobby run towards the platform, knock Malfoy [who is still shaking] into the junk, and grab as much junk as they can)  
  
Malfoy: And n-now, I'll i-interview the j-j-judges! (turns to the one closest to him) So...you're Potter's dad?  
  
James: No, I'm just plain "dead"  
  
Malfoy: So I see...what I mean is...  
  
James: I'm dead, so I shouldn't really be here, I should be somewhere enjoying my afterlife, in my little ghostie house, cooking breakfast with Minerva... (gasps and grabs the camera) I didn't say anything! Nothing! Please don't kill me, Lily! Oh wait, I'm already dead!  
  
(Malfoy ignores him and turns to Sirius)  
  
Malfoy: So have you been to many of these battles?  
  
Sirius: Yeah, this'd be my second if you count the one I had in my pants when I saw you in that dress (snicker)  
  
Malfoy: I'm flattered! So, what about the person sitting beside the dude that likes my dress  
  
Lupin: Hi everyone! I'm really werewolf, but I wasn't going to tell anyone that, so I'm not going to tell you what I really am!  
  
Malfoy: But didn't you just do that?  
  
Lupin: I did?  
  
Malfoy: Nevermind, nevermind...er, how about the balding dude eating the lint from under the table  
  
Pettigrew: (eating lint) Munch Mucnh  
  
Malfoy: Huh?  
  
Sirius: It's the evil traitor! Get him!  
  
(everyone jumps on Pettigrew, and they beat the stuffing out of him)  
  
Pettigrew: Wait! (everyone stops pinching him) Before I die, I'd like someone to answer a question that's been bothering me since I was born...  
  
Everyone: WHAT?!  
  
Petgrew: Er, what colour is George Wahshington's white horse?  
  
Lupin: Purple...now DIE!  
  
Pettigrew: Can you spell "die" for me?  
  
(Pettigrew is promptly beaten to a pulp)  
  
Malfoy: Er, I guess we'll need a replacement judge now...  
  
(Pigwidgeon flys through a window and jumps up and down in the empty chair, though no one notices him)  
  
Malfoy: Hmm...what about Professor Snape?  
  
Everyone: NO!  
  
Malfoy: Did everyone say YES? Okay!  
  
(Snape shows up and sits on Pigwideon in the empty chair. Pig bites Snape on the butt and he jumps up. Pig flys happily away, hooting evily)  
  
Malfoy: Time's up! Now, let's see all that in slow motion!  
  
(The slow-mo replay shows Harry burning the Snape voodoo doll with a flame thrower while laughing maniacally, while Dobby decorates what looks like a large wedding cake, complete with little wedding figures of Harry in a groom's outfit, and Dobby in a bride's dress (A/N: that did not imply that Dobby's gay. He's just showing his fanatical appreciation!)  
  
Malfoy: Okay, now for the tasting...  
  
Harry: I'm going to finish this first dish in front of the panel! (Takes out a food processor, a stove, a fridge, etc. from his pocket)  
  
Harry: This shouldn't take too long!  
  
(2 hours later...)  
  
Harry: Okay, not I'll just have to add a little more chunky extra-hot salsa, and voila!  
  
Sirius: Hmm...(girly voice) ooh, this tastes so, um, light and fluffy!  
  
Malfoy: C'mon, you gotta sound dumber and more abstract than that!  
  
Sirius: Alright, I'll give that a try...um, this dish reminds me of one of Picasso's paintings! The one that looks like, uh, someone's barf... (A/N: I don't hate Picasso's paintings! But I don't think wizards would understand)  
  
Lupin: Whatever...well, I personally think this tastes... very natural  
  
James: Yeah, I can't taste any artifical flavouring!  
  
Lupin: Well, you're dead, so you can't taste anything, as a matter of fact  
  
James: Oh...by the way, what do you call this dish?  
  
Harry: Oh gee, I never really thought about that...I know Hermione calls it Feces a la Mode...  
  
(everyone spits into their napkins)  
  
Malfoy: (gag) Next dish, please!  
  
(Harry hands a goblet to everyone)  
  
Harry: I want you to try a bit of the Polyjuice Potion! Go on...  
  
Lupin: I'm not drinking it!  
  
Sirius: Heck, I'll drink it then!  
  
(Sirius drinks the Polyjuice Potion and turns into Snape)  
  
Sirius: Uh oh...  
  
Lupin: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! (wacks Sirius repeatedly over the head with a large meat mallet from nowhere)  
  
Snape: (points at Sirius) That's the ugliest person I've ever seen in my life!  
  
Sirius: Oh yeah? You're uglier!  
  
Snape: Hmm...so if I'm uglier than the person who should be the ugliest person in the world...that means I, Severus Snape, am THE ultimate ugliest person in the world! Wow, I never set a world record before! (dances the Macarena and runs out screaming estatically)  
  
(At the other side of the table...)  
  
James: Heehee, I want more wine!  
  
Harry: You're drunk enough as you are, Dad!  
  
James: No I'm not! (faints)  
  
Harry: Hey! You didn't finish you wine! (gazes intenly at the glass) Ah, I might as well drink it, shouldn't let good drinks go to waste (drinks the wine and faints. Several crew members come out to do CPR on him)  
  
Malfoy: NO!!! STOP!!! NO CPR ON HIM!!! STOP!!!   
  
Lupin: Oh dear, it's the full moon tonight! Didn't realize that, I must've forgotten to write it in the agenda with the Spice Girls cover...I got for Christmas (turns into a werewolf and bites the real Snape on the pants, revealing purple underpanties with pink polka dots. Snape screams, revealing yellow teeth with spinach stick between the molars)  
  
Malfoy: Oh dear, this didn't turn out as I had expected...(turns to camera) And so, there is no winner for tonight's episode of Iron Wizard...tune in next time for a battle between Iron Chef Mudblood, Granger (Hermione throws another one of her tomatoes at him) and...  
  
Director: Idiot! You're not supposed to say what's happening in the next episode!  
  
Malfoy: Yeah, whatever, but I'd reallyt like to get to my game of strip poker with Pansy (blushes) OH NO! Did I just say that on NATIONAL TV?!  
  
THE END  
  
Disclaimer: Harry Potter et al. belongs to J.K. Rowling. Iron Chef belongs to whoever owns it, and the macarena belongs to...I don't remember. I hope none of the above parties find the fic offensive. it was meant just for fun, and I promise to never write another fic like it. Thank you. 


End file.
